Hello stranger, be a stranger no more

In 3 hours' time: Driving lesson.
In 8 hours' time: Bowls match against the best player in the club.
In 9 hours' time: Auntie Slippers, Gentle Giant, Glamourous Cousin and her 2 offspring come to stay for a week. I'm not sure if they're bringing the dog as well.
In 29 hours' time: I will catch a train to go to see woo_diaries for the first time, travelling further than I've ever gone on my own before.
In 54 and a half hours' time: I will be there to see woo_diaries get married. I will not listen to the little voice in my head which always wonders what it would be like to object at the relevant point. :oP

Eek! I have butterflies.

Keepy-uppy record: 488

( Long-winded ramble )

It looks like I'm actually going to make it to woo_diaries's wedding next month. It's unbelievably exciting! I have replying and booking to do, but it's almost certainly going to happen! *squeak*

Ducklings! There are newly hatched ducklings in the park today. Two batches of them. Mostly they're just huddled round under their mums, but one duckling was on the pond all by him/herself, swimming in circles, surrounded by drakes. Hooray! I feel quite smug because yesterday I told several people that I was expecting duckling within the next week. Ducklings!

Driving lesson yesterday was a bit mixed. I drove reasonably well most of the time (I even picked up my first 5s - seldom prompted on the instruction scale!) but I stalled twice in a row and struggled to get started again at a big roundabout just before the dual carriageway. Bah! It's frustrating sometimes. I am getting much more comfortable with travelling at 30mph in a 30 zone and I'm not lingering in 2nd gear so much.

GermBoy and Smiler are back in the country, and GermBoy will be visiting either today or tomorrow. Don't know how long he'll be staying for, but probably not long since their wedding is fast approaching. This morning I got a suitcase down from in the roof so we can start packing. We leave 4 weeks on Saturday and will be away for 2 weeks. With no internet.

Yesterday I played footy for 4 hours with only a 20 minute break. I broke my keepy-uppy record twice, increasing it from 108 to 112, and then to 113. It was so warm and summery. Today it appears to be raining a bit. I'm still wearing shorts though.

Yesterday was pretty exciting. I had a driving lesson early on and my instructor took me onto a dual carriageway. Which was very brave of him, considering that I'd accidentally put my foot on the accelerator instead of the brake at a junction at the start of my lesson! It wasn't quite as scary as I thought it would be, since everybody is doing a similar speed. The worst bits are the big roundabouts that often link onto them. It's tricky changing gear whilst turning fairly sharply, checking your mirrors, indicating and panicking.

In the afternoon there was a big all-in football match going on in the park which I joined in with. There had been people organising them on monday and tuesday too, but I'd strained some muscles and had to give myself a chance to recover. Anyway, it was fantastic! I've missed football.

The subject of today's driving lesson: The 3 point turn (or the turn in the road as they call it nowadays since you're allowed up to 7 points in your turn, I think). I did pretty well at it, even when I had a bus waiting for me to complete my manoeuvre. Unfortunately whenever I learn something new in driving, I seem to forget soemthing else. Today it was how to approach junctions and things at the correct speed and in a suitable gear. I find when I make one error, that one is quickly followed by several more. This morning I approached a left hand turn too fast, encountered another learner coming out of the road, braked suddenly, stalled and mounted the kerb. Smooth!
Before the next lesson I have decided to do some strength training with my left arm, since it is too feeble to hoik the handbrake on every time.

I may have a wedding outfit. I'm quite determined that I should have to do no more shopping so this must be it. After all, I've looked in two shops - what more does anyone want from me?! I even tried the bloody thing on in confusing changing rooms surrounded by a mural of women in underwear. That's how thorough I've been. I will try my best not to look creased on the day, but some things are unavoidable. My mum keeps asking questions like: "Do you think it's dressy enough?" and "Do you think it will get too creased?" and "Don't you worry that that bit between the trousers and jacket will show your pants?" Yes of course it's dressy enough - it's a bloody suit. It may crease a bit but that's life. No, of course it will not show my pants, it's a trouser suit and I will have some kind of shirt tucked in. I feel a bit misled actually. All my adult life, women have been telling me that black goes with everything. Apparently that isn't true and I will need to buy new shoes to go with this. I feel duped into further shopping.

I've enjoyed my birthday very much so far. Thank you to everyone for messages, cards and presents!

I've taken it very gently. This morning I wandered up to the shop to buy some jelly. My friend Paul was working in there and as I scoured the shelves I heard him whistling 'happy birthday to you'! On the way home I stopped to get a coffee in the park and had a chat with Chris the workaholic and Lee the kiosk owner. I came home, opened presents and made jelly. Then Catlover came round to show me car parts, teach me how to put petrol in a car and take me for a drive. We went up to Ashdown forest, bought ice creams and went for a wander. Then we came back and had lunch.

In the afternoon I mooched around the park. Paul and his dog Ollie (who loves me) were there. Paul gave me his present, which was a shedload of full cards entitling me to free drinks at the kiosk. I have no idea how he wangled that but I suspect Chris the workaholic may have had something to do with it! Then I enjoyed some peace and quiet before meandering about with MiniMe and his stick-crazy dog (who also loves me). I went to the chippy on my way home, opened more presents, and ate my jelly. Hooray!

I have a driving lesson tomorrow so I have to be in a fit state for that and also soon Nikki is coming to see me. It's very exciting!

I will try to do a proper entry soon.

Last night DomesticGoddess and I went to see This Is Soul, which featured Jimmy James, P.P. Arnold and Geno Washington. I can safely say it was one of my favourite things ever! It takes something special to get the people of Tunbridge Wells dancing in the aisles, but this managed it.

All three performers, plus the Ram Jam Band, were amazing. There's nothing that gets me close to losing my inhibitions (and I have plenty of them) like northern soul does! Incredible voices, remarkably well-preserved singers, charisma by the bucketload - Geno Washington is a very funny guy - and the overwhelming urge to dance made for a brilliant night out. I learnt that I like the song Red Red Wine when it doesn't involve UB40. I also learnt that P.P. Arnold is actually called Pat. She had her nephew and niece as backing singers and they had some nifty moves which DG and I have been imitating ever since (we were close to collapsing into giggles during If You Think You're Groovy). I've always had a special love for backing singers and their choreography.

It was a fantastic gig and the first of the tour. According to P.P. Arnold's website, these are the rest of the tour dates: http://www.pparnold.com/content/view/56/59/
I highly recommend it!

Just wanted to wish everyone a lovely time over the next week or so in particular.

I had a slightly odd Christmas eve. This morning I made a (nother) Christmas tree from stuff in the park - nothing that won't naturally decay quickly - and left it by the allotment path. The first disappeared a day or so ago having stayed for about a week and had various decorations added by park regulars. It had been supplemented by a holly wreath on the fence left (I suspect) by my favourite dog walker. That remains. This afternoon, I played frisbee with Mini-Me and the teacher who lives along the road while their dogs ran in between us. Then I walked out of the park with 3 people and we all wished each other happy Christmas. When I got home, DomesticGoddess was waiting for me inside. Yay!

Happy Christmas, y'all!

I know it seems early (and it is) but it's that time of year again... I'm going to be making a Christmas CD and I need time to design and make all the inserts.

Who would like a Christmas CD? Just leave a comment below if you want to be on the list. Anyone is welcome.

Today I've been taking photos for cooljoules
( Japanese maple )

I've also seen my three favourite park people, been to a park person's house and gained enormous pleasure from the Saga website. You know how, when you put your details into an online form, you often get a drop down menu giving you a choice of titles - Mr, Mrs, Miss, Ms? Well the Saga list is enormous and contains titles like Viscount, Warrant Officer 1st, Air Vice-Marshall, Lead Aircraftswoman, Deaconess, Sir, Prebendary (Prebendary?!), The Venerable, and Sheikh. Fantastic! I'd love to put my title as 'Major General' and my occupation as 'Home maker' or something along those lines! But that would just be silly.

I have been in a very silly mood for a while and have been doing childish things in the park. Like riding a little impish boy's brand new BMX up and down (but mostly down) a quarter pipe with a terrified expression on my face, and dropping conkers under non-horse-chestnut trees to confuse people. Sometimes I've dropped the husks as well, just to make it a little more convincing! Luckily my favourite dog walker is just as silly as me, and on Monday I found some Japanese maple leaves under the tree by my bench, with the nearest Japanese maple tree being implausibly far away. You know you're spending too much time in the park when you know someone's been there because a leaf is out of place! Anyway, it made me giggle and I arranged some abandoned matchsticks to spell out "DAFT SOD" under the bench the next day, to acknowledge it. (You'd never guess we were 27 and 40, would you?)

DomesticGoddess and I went to see Kate Rusby on Saturday and she was brilliant! We bought merchandise, including a Kate Rusby frisbee (or Frusbee, if you will), and then looked incredibly shifty trying to stuff it all in our coat pockets in an alley on our way home. On Monday we went to some woods I'd not been to before - dodgy reputation so various people would throw a fit if I went by myself - and collected two bags of sweet chestnuts at severe cost to our hands. I forgot how spiny and hurty the buggers are and, in fact, today I was still digging spines out of my fingers. We won out in the end and ended up eating roast chestnuts in front of University Challenge. Ace!

Yesterday was my second week back at French. Our class is very small. It would be bigger if everyone came on the same week, but they seem to be taking it in turns at the moment! In the afternoon it persisted down with rain and all my park regulars got soaked. But we were soaked together, which made it rather good fun!

Did I mention that GermBoy (and Smiler) was here for a flying visit a couple of times in the last week and a half? It was good to see him. My tan is stronger than his!



I sound quite busy, don't I?

Yesterday there was a plumber in my house all day. And not even a porn plumber with a droopy moustache. He never once mentioned servicing my boiler, no matter how often I put washing in the machine whilst wearing my bikini. I think we have inadvertently employed Mr Bean. He arrived at 9am and was only supposed to be there for a couple of hours, but there was a slight leak in something which wasn't supposed to happen. He sought advice and (I think) was advised to use a bit more force. While he attempted to sort that, he accidentally broke something else and had to get a replacement one of those. Which had a dodgy thread, so he had to go and get another one. Which still had a slight leak so he put it on really tight. Now there's still a slight leak and he can't get the thing he tightened up undone. He left at 5pm. He's obviously slightly frustrated (we suspect we may be his first job!) and he's coming back this afternoon. I could really do without having a plumber move in.

The bowling season is coming to a close. I played in my final on Monday night and lost by 3 shots. It was a good match and I played alright, especially considering I've been playing terribly lately.

Park life is as entertaining as ever and there are loads of tiny puppies around at the moment. The latest is a 10 week old border terrier who played fearlessly with 5 large and boisterous dogs the other day. It was great fun! I was sitting on a bench and lots of my favourite dogs and people all turned up and hung around at the same time. One of the dogs was Ollie, the cocker spaniel who is my favourite dog and who loves me too! This is Ollie with his owner, my friend Paul:



In recent weeks, Ollie has taken to greeting me as if he hasn't seen me for months and runs straight into my legs if I'm standing up or tries to scrabble onto my lap if I'm sitting down. He is daft. Other dogs have realised that I am a soft touch and will happily make a fuss of any dog who wanders up to me. Tilly, the wiry haired little scruffbag owned by a former teacher, has decided that she likes to come and see me if I'm around. She has two ticklish spots which make her back legs twitch up in the air. I have not tried both of them at once because I fear injury may occur (even though it might be funny). Jake, the border collie who loves to herd things, also has worked out that I will give him attention as long as he wants it. The other week he tried to herd Ollie who was going after a tennis ball and his owner was saying how he likes everyone to be in one place, but hadn't really done it that day. Then I looked at where we all were. Jake was lying down at the edge of the field, watching us, and we were four people and a dog standing really close together in the very centre of the field! He's good!
At the weekend I saw my favourite dog walker get bumped off in Poirot on telly, which was a bit odd, and yesterday we swapped plumber stories. Hers was a fat bloke who drank tea incessantly, but only two sugars because he was always on a diet. Maybe that's the problem with mine. He didn't accept any of my offers of tea or coffee. That's just wrong, isn't it? Plumbers not drinking tea?
This morning Lee the kiosk owner gave me a free cappuccino (I'd just bought one and drunk it while I waited for him to cook my bacon butty) to keep me warm on my way home in the pouring rain, which was very sweet of him.

At the end of this month I'm starting the next level up of the French course I did last year. Same day, same time, same place, same teacher. I need to revise in the hope that I'll remember something of what I learnt last year! I'm looking forward to it.

Anyway, I'd better start bracing myself for the return of the plumber this afternoon. Please let him fix it today. And quickly!

I just wanted to say that I'm still alive, even if I'm rubbish at keeping up with life online at the same time as life off the internet.

Life potters on for me. I spend at least 6 hours outside most days, regardless of the weather. I bowl whenever I can (a match set to take place this evening was cancelled) and my park friends keep revealing medical problems which I have to look up on the internet. I don't get on the internet often at the moment and therefore am crap at keeping up with everything and everyone. Apologies.

I have to go to bed in a minute - I get tired early these days - but I would like to ask anyone female to comment on their experiences of sport. Love it? Hate it? Why? What put you off playing sport? Just a bit of research I'm doing for someone.

I will be less tired in my next entry, promise!

I had my first match of the new bowling season today. It felt so good! My rink lost - in fact we all lost - but it was great! I've missed it. I get to play in my first fours which is a proper competition on May 11th. I'm trying not to think about it too much.

Tomorrow my brother, GermBoy, is arriving. He and Smiler touched down in the country yesterday and we get him for a couple of days, then they will both be here for a day or so from Tuesday night. Most of the time I do a very good job of convincing myself that I don't miss them, but I cannot wait to give my brother a hug.

I'm spending a lot of time out of doors and in the park at the moment (about 6 hours most days) and I'm knackered every evening. It's not M.E. tired but sleepy tired. By about half 9, I'm struggling to stay awake. Mind you, I am waking up at precisely 7.30 every morning, which is a bit weird when I'm not setting an alarm or anything. I really enjoy being in the park and seeing people I know and meeting people I don't know. This morning I think an older lady may have said, "I'm sorry young man, I didn't catch your name...?" but I may have misheard. The other week I was half convinced a woman said, "Packing, again?" to me, but that would have been strange. I don't know either of these people very well.

Today was sunny and lovely and lots of dogs were feeling sociable with me. I did briefly have my ego punctured, but I've had a smashing day. More of this, please!

I feel so incredibly lazy right now. There's a dozen things I have to do and I can't motivate myself to do any of them. There's lots of things to write about that have happened in the past week, but I don't feel like writing.

Today I spent close to 6 hours out in the snow (not all at once - in two 3 hour blocks), watched the most absurd football match I've ever seen, made a big snowman in my back garden and felt curiously empty. I feel as if I'm about to do a Rip Van Winkle.

I will do things eventually. Don't be surprised if I'm a bit rubbish about keeping up with everything for a bit. I'll be back.

( Park photos )

The bowlers' curling outing is on this Friday. I am excited but scared. I have to beg a lift off someone during this week. Eek!

Look! It's me and shitslashgreat! Pete came to visit yesterday and he put up with my rambling and rubbish hostness incredibly well. He came up by train and I met him at the station (I was only about 30 seconds late). It was very handy that he looked exactly like all the photos I've seen of him, so I recognised him straight away. I know that sounds a silly thing to say, but some people do look different in person. Anyway, Pete is brilliant! He's really laid-back and cool and handled my inability to make decisions! We ambled around a lot (sorry Pete - I hope you've survived), got rained on a lot and struggled not to buy hundreds of records in the record shops along Camden Road. Apparently there's a bit of animosity between Second Sounds and Apollo Records. Dean in Second Sounds was telling us that a millionaire tried to buy him out and kept lowering the offer and then set up Apollo Records and stole Dean's staff member who is a guy who looks like Jesus. We only just missed being on local telly because Newsroom Southeast had been filming at both shops that morning - I watched the report later. So we bought some records (I'll talk about mine when I've listened to them properly) and then wandered through the park to my house, via the duckpond which currently has 13 ducklings residing there (more about them another time)! We had lunch and Pete kicked my arse at Daley Thompson's Supertest on my old ZX Spectrum +2 (it's funny, I don't remember Daley Thompson ever doing any pistol shooting, cycling, slalom skiing or springboard diving...).

I had a fantastic time and it was great to finally meet shitslashgreat after knowing him for probably getting on for 8 years. Thank you for coming, Petey!

Domestic Goddess was here the other week and we had loads of ( fun! )

French is well underway again and on Tuesday we were back in a restaurant (not literally), so we spent the lesson ordering smoked salmon, pepper steak and meringue with cherry and vanilla ice cream. I'm completely out of my depth with it because I don't frequent restaurants in English, let alone French, but the good thing with menu ordering is that you can read it all off the paper and not have to remember it.
I'll have decisions to make about the future of my French education a few weeks' time. Our teacher is planning to run a class from her home next year because the red tape is driving her nutty, but she lives in an out of the way village which you need a car to get to. A couple of our class have said they could drive people over but they weren't there this week and I don't know them all that well so I don't know if I'd be that comfortable asking for a lift. Besides, if they couldn't go and I was dependent on them for lifts, I'd be stuffed. Plus, I'm not sure whether we'd get recognised qualifications, which is another thing to consider. I am doing this course predominently for fun and brain-stretching, but I don't have many qualifications, so more would be good. There's only three more weeks of French left now. I'm not good with uncertainty.

P.S. For my French homework, I need to list the ingredients of a very English dish. Any suggestions?
It needs to be something easily recognisable (because the rest of the class have to guess it) and preferably have about 4 or 5 main ingredients.

I had a nice birthday earlier this month. Thanks for all the cards and presents and messages! No-one believes I'm 27. I must just have that air of immaturity about me!

The actual day was a very laid back one with present opening scattered throughout the day inbetween pottering around outside and talking to people on the phone. Last weekend, FreshLegs and Catlover helped me celebrate - we went for a meal (where I saw someone I knew from the park) and then to the cinema. We saw Jumper which wasn't very good but I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. Then they stayed overnight and we watched more films and ate unhealthy food and drank roughly equal amounts of beer and tea. FreshLegs and I cooked bacon and eggs for breakfast, which was a bit of an unusual event - Catlover is the cook amongst us and is most often the member of our trio to be found in the kitchen.

On the Sunday after FreshLegs and Catlover had left, Spurs won the Carling Cup - woohoo! - and I went 10 pin bowling with the bowlers. We were playing the 10 pin bowlers at their own game, since they played us at bowls at the end of last season. We got a headstart with handicap and just about managed to win. I was playing with Paul (mad scientist hair, smoker, oddball and sometimes a bit demanding...one of my favourites), Tim (club captain, a bit like Anthony Worral Thompson, only bald and not annoying...lovely bloke) and Helen (my Scottish chum). Normally I'd expect to get about 120-130 and the other week I got 163 with DomesticGoddess, but I had an absolute stinker that night and got 76, 95 and 120ish in my three games. Luckily everyone else was playing similarly below their potential and our four won against the opposition four. It's weird playing a proper 10 pin bowling match. You play your turns on alternate lanes. And they oil the lanes so it swings a lot at the last minute. It's bizarre! Had brilliant fun though. Hopefully I'll be going curling with some of the bowlers in a month or so. Curling!

On Tuesday we were back at French after half term and half the class was still missing - injured or just prevented from coming. (Did I ever tell you how Jane broke her leg? She slipped on some apple juice. I went round to see her the other week. I hope she comes back soon because I miss her.) It was a bit odd actually. Christine was finding it hard going and walked out part way through the lesson. Joan arrived after that and it was just a bit of an odd and bitty week for us. I didn't enjoy it quite so much as usual. With other people missing, I am promoted higher in the order of students most likely to understand what's going on so I get to answer questions first or read out chunks of text. I hope next week will be a bit more like it has been before.

My hair is growing a fair bit longer now and, bizarrely, I've been mistaken for a chap more often than I ever was when it was very short. Luckily this has been happening for most of my life and it's never bothered me. It's funny when people realise their mistake and are too embarrassed to correct themselves!

Generally, things are quite good at the moment. Although my favourite shop, Criminal Records has closed down. This was a big shock to me and makes me feel very sad. It was the best music shop in town and I got no warning about it. I was there a week and a half ago and there was no sign of it disappearing, and then I walked past it when I was in town on Tuesday and it was all empty. Gutted. It's going to be much harder buying presents for people now.

I need a script writer. People keep commenting on the weather to me when I'm in the park (ie. "It's lovely, isn't it?" or "Isn't it chilly today?") and the best I can come up with is "Yes, it is." It's not particularly good for keeping the conversation going but I can't think of anything else when I'm on the spot, since I am probably the world's slowest thinker. What could I say instead?

Yesterday a dog went missing. Michael the dog walker was looking for a big, grey shaggy dog called Cosmo. So I looked as I wandered round, too. I got plenty of whistling practise in, but it didn't impress Cosmo. I first heard about the missing canine at about 1.30 (apparently he'd gone walkabout at 12) and he still hadn't been found when I left the park at 4.45. Poor Cosmo!
When I ran into Michael this morning he told me he'd found Cosmo in the allotments at 5. (I left that way 15 minutes earlier.) He'd found his way into them but couldn't work out how to get out again. Silly pooch!

Today I am going to town to pick up some prescriptions and then go on to see Jane from French. She had her broken leg replastered yesterday and she's fed up and in a lot of pain.

I seem to have forgotten how to write. Sorry about that.

In hindsight, it may have been an error to buy a frying pan from the pound shop. Fortunately DomesticGoddess and I had been paying attention in fire safety lessons and quickly extinguished the flames with a damp tea-towel. Luckily I had another frying pan and many delicious pancakes were enjoyed by all! This was on Tuesday after my French lesson (Josephine has returned from Australia - yay! - and Jane has broken her leg - boo!).

On Wednesday we frolicked off to the bowling alley (one game each again) and the cinema (Sweeney Todd is brilliant and so is Bonham Carter!), but not before the arm of my glasses snapped off. Well, I have had them for a looooong time. For over 7 years at least. So I sellotaped them up - all the cool kids are doing it - and off we went for a fun day (apart from when DG and my mum were being indecisive about lunch and I flounced off)!

On Thursday, DG kindly rang up and booked me an optician's appointment (because I am a bit pathetic about making phone calls) and came with me to it in the afternoon. There were gangs of shop assistants around in the precinct so we though there was a bomb scare or something, but it remians a mystery. The eye test was relatively painless if you ignore the shelling out loads of money for the new glasses. Apparently both of my eyes have improved since I last had glasses. I asked the optician if that happened often and he said no. But my right eye was a bit better the previous time I had glasses as well. I am peculiar. Maybe I will get around to taking a photo some time.
In the evening there were a couple of fire engines outside because a tumble drier had caught light three doors down and there was smoke billowing out. So everyone came outside to watch and the guy next door-but-one who used to be a fireman found out what was happening. I was relieved the smoke wasn't coming from the house of my batty neighbour, Jean. That was my worry when I first saw the fire engines. In the end it wasn't too serious and the fire was put out fairly quickly. It made me resolve to buy a more expensive frying pan, though.

Today DG and I went for a stroll in the park this morning. We cheerily greeted everyone and everybody was saying what a beautiful day it was. It really was lovely. Bright blue skies, sunshine and relatively mild. We met the softest dog (which belongs to the very blonde German/Scandinavian woman) who rolled over onto his/her back as soon as we got within stroking distance. This afternoon DG went home and I went to work, before toddling off to the park again for more exchanges on the weather and fraternising with friendly dogs.

My loud whistling is coming on a treat. I get a decent sound about 6 times out of 10. The only trouble is practising. It feels rude to whistle at people so I wait until no-one is around to practise, which kind of defeats the purpose of being able to do a loud whistle, really. Oh well. I have another skill to add to my CV!

Please excuse my gabbling. Yes, I am slightly tipsy.